


The Vegas Chronicles

by alynwa



Category: Man From U.N.C.L.E.
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-30
Updated: 2012-10-23
Packaged: 2017-11-15 08:38:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/525365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alynwa/pseuds/alynwa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story told in drabbles.  Illya and Napoleon go on vacation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vacation

Illya sat looking through the brochures left on the table in their hotel room. “Napoleon, you have been in Las Vegas before. Have you gone to see Lake Mead?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Hoover Dam?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“The M&M Museum?”  
  
“What? No.”  
  
“You have not gone to the most popular tourist attractions so, what do you do when you are here?”  
  
“Play baccarat. And, Musical Beds.”  
  
“You are incorrigible.”  
  
“I am a hedonist; there’s a difference.”  
  
The Russian shrugged his shoulders. “Now I understand why Mr. Waverly insisted we spend this vacation together as soon as he heard your destination.”  
  
“We’re loose in Vegas!”


	2. Breakfast Buffet

Napoleon was moving along the Sahara’s buffet choosing what he wanted when he looked behind him and noticed Illya’s plate.

 

Laughingly, he said, “Illya, the buffet is ‘all you can eat’ not, ‘all you can eat on one plate!’ You can go back for more.”

 

“I intend to, Napoleon, this is only my first helping.” He placed sausage, bacon and ham next to the potatoes, pancakes, eggs and waffles already there.

 

As Illya squeezed fruit into the little space left on the plate, Napoleon whispered, “Illya, people are starting to stare!”

 

“Let them! I love Las Vegas!”


	3. On the Casino Floor

“Napoleon, why do you continue to play this slot machine?”

 

“Because it’s hot. Look how much money I have taken out of it.”

 

“Slot machines spin based on a mathematical formula, Napoleon. There is no such thing as a ‘hot machine.’

 

“Whatever you say, Partner Mine.”

 

“I am not making this up, Napoleon! I can show you articles…”

 

“And, I can show you the buckets of coins I have extracted from this machine. Do me a favor.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Take those two buckets of quarters to the cashier’s window.”

 

“Oof! They weigh a ton!”

 

“The machine is hot, Tovarisch! Hot machine!”


	4. Rats

“Napoleon, explain to me why we are going to see rats in a pack? This is some type of circus act, da?”

 

“Not ‘rats in a pack.’ Rat Pack, as in Frank, Dean, and Sammy. They’re appearing together at the Sands.”

 

“Who are they?”

 

“They are famous American singers who are friends and like to work together sometimes. You look confused, Illya.”

 

“We are friends and we work together…”

 

“Yes.”

 

“So, we are considered ‘rats?’”

 

“No, and neither are they.”

 

“They are the Rat Pack but, they are not considered rats?”

 

“Right.”

 

“There is much strangeness in Las Vegas.”


	5. Showgirls

" _Bozhe moi_! Napoleon, those women's breasts are exposed! You did not say we were going to a strip club!"

Napoleon laughed at his partner's shocked expression. "We are not in a strip club. We are in a club on The Strip! Those are authentic Vegas showgirls, my friend. People come from all around the world to see a Vegas extravaganza. Your trip wouldn't be complete if I didn't bring you to at least one."

The Russian sniffed, "Women in the USSR would never be caught doing something so scandalous."

The American retorted, "Thank goodness! I've seen the women of Russia."


	6. Vacation Exercise

“Napoleon, wake up. This hotel has a heated saltwater pool; let’s go swimming.”

 

The American snuggled into his bed. “No,” he said, “I get enough exercise pulling the one – armed bandit.”

 

“Napoleon!” Illya gasped.

 

“Get your mind out of the gutter; I’m talking about slot machines.”

 

“Oh. Anyway, you will regret your inactivity when we return to work.”

 

“I’ve been doing lots of push – ups.”

 

“Really? When?”

 

Napoleon winked, “When I’m playing Musical Beds.”

 

Illya snorted, “Now whose mind is in the gutter?”

 

“Sex is great exercise; you should try it sometime.”

 

“I prefer the pool. See you later.”


	7. Dust Devils

“Napoleon! Come look at this!”

 

“Wow, I can’t see the mountains! Is that fog?”

 

“No, it is a sandstorm! It is incredible, is it not?”

 

“It’s okay. Come on, let’s go to the casino.”

 

“Really, Napoleon, the desert is beautiful. Let us drive to the edge of the storm so that I can take pictures.”

 

“If the casino owners wanted me to appreciate nature, they would have put the baccarat tables outdoors.”

 

“You are hopeless,” Illya said in exasperation.

 

“We can eat fir-erst,” the American sing – songed.

 

Sandstorm and desert forgotten, Illya grabbed his jacket. “Let us go.”


	8. Posing I

“Illya, will you please smile so we can have our picture taken? Stop being a killjoy!”

 

“Napoleon, what is the point of posing in front of this sign? We know we are in Las Vegas! Thanks to you, I almost crashed the car swerving into the lane to turn in here.”

 

“The ‘Welcome to Las Vegas’ sign is iconic, Tovarisch. My vacation photos collection would be incomplete without this shot.”

 

“You did not think that until you saw the busload of French female tourists disembark.”

 

“Smile and be quiet! I’m asking the one with my camera out for drinks.”

 

“Сыр! (Cheese!)


	9. Posing II

“Illya, stop being a pain! Do this for me,” Napoleon beseeched, “Marie won’t go out with me if you don’t take Yvette.”

 

“It is not enough that I posed in front of the ‘Welcome’ sign and I now stand posing by the ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ sign. Now, I am supposed to spend my money entertaining a French girl while I am tortured by your incredibly bad French accent.”

 

“A cute French girl, I’ll spring for dinner and they speak English. She took the picture! Here they come, what do you say?”

 

“I say: You owe me.”


	10. The Date I

“Napoleon, darling, the meal was exquisite! Lobster, steak, champagne; magnifique! Merci beaucoup!”

 

“Ma cherie, you deserve better than this paltry meal,” Napoleon replied smoothly as he ignored Illya’s eye roll. “Illya, I think the ladies would enjoy seeing Wayne Newton tonight.”

 

Illya’s date squealed with delight, “Oui, Napoleon! Oh, Illya, please take me? Please? I would be…” she purred as she rubbed his thigh under the table, “ever so grateful.”

 

Illya was thinking that this was not going to be a bad evening when the hairs on the back of his head stood up. “Napoleon, we are being watched.”


	11. The Date II

Napoleon took a sip of water while he quickly scanned the room. “Two guys, black suits, shirts, white ties at 3 o’clock.”

 

The Russian glanced to his left. “I do not know them.”

 

“I do,” Marie said, “They are friends of Lou Lederer*. We went on two dates but, he is a pig so I refused more.”

 

Illya groaned, “Wonderful, Napoleon; you managed to get a date with a mobster’s girlfriend.”

 

Marie huffed, “I am not his girlfriend! There is Lou now.”

 

As the man approached, Illya said, “It seems he would disagree.”

 

*Lou Lederer, a representative of the Chicago Mob, was the front man of the Tropicana Hotel and Casino when it was managed by Frank Costello.


	12. The Date III

Lou walked to the table while his “friends” hung back and watched. “Good evening, folks. There seems to have been a miscommunication; Marie is supposed to be with me tonight.” He glared at Napoleon. “You and your friend here should escort this lady while Marie leaves with me. That would be the…healthy thing to do.”

 

Napoleon opened his mouth to respond but, stopped when he saw the Russian’s signal.

 

“The healthy thing for you to do is realize who I am,” Illya warned. “Frank Costello will kill you himself if you cross me.”


	13. The Date IV

“You ain’t nobody!” Lou snarled.

 

“No?” Illya replied calmly as he signaled for a phone to be brought to the table. He dialed and waited. “Hello, Frank? This is Vladimir Rushenko. Please tell Lou who I am.” He handed the phone to the shocked man. “It’s for you."

 

Lou listened and blanched. “Yes, Boss. Sure, Boss. Alright, Boss. Bye.” His demeanor completely changed. “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, Mr. Rushenko. Your meal is comped. Please let me know what else I can do for you.”

 

“Leave us alone,” Illya said coldly.

 

As he slinked away, Napoleon asked, “What just happened?”


	14. The Date V

Illya excused them from the table and whispered, “As Vladimir, I saved Frank Costello’s life when I infiltrated the Russian Mafia’s[ Izmaylovskaya gang](http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Izmaylovskaya_gang&action=edit&redlink=1) a year ago.”

 

Napoleon was shocked. “You never told me that!”

 

Illya shrugged. “I don’t tell you everything.”

 

Napoleon replied, “Apparently. That’s a tale to tell me over drinks one day.”

 

“Perhaps.” Turning around, Illya said, “Ladies, Wayne Newton awaits. Are we ready to go?”

 

Yvette put her arm through Illya’s. “Oui but, I thought your name was Illya?”

 

“It is my middle name.”

 

The happy foursome’s date lasted till the wee hours. It was a good evening.


	15. All Good Things

“Illya, you seem down.”

 

“We return to NY in two days’ time. I will miss this place.”

 

“Me too, Tovarisch. What will you miss the most: The shows, the Strip, the women, the gambling?”

 

“None of that.”

 

“What then? The free liquor? You can’t possibly think you’ll miss the gangsters!”

 

“You will laugh.”

 

“Maybe. Tell me anyway.”

 

“I will miss the buffets. I have never had such plentiful, delicious, inexpensive food before; I hope to return one day.”

 

“We definitely will, Partner. We definitely will.”


End file.
